Rooted and Built Up

The above scripture is one of the most quoted (and sometimes misunderstood) principles about parenting.

All over the world, people have taught on it, preached with it and learned from it. Here, we are going to unpack it in a way that connects deeply with raising confident and grounded children; especially focusing on "individual gift" and "bent."

What does the scripture really imply when it says, "Train up a child in the way he should go…"?

This is not just about teaching morals or discipline. The original sense of the verse points toward dedication and intentional direction. It's talking about launching a child onto a path that fits who they are created for and what they are designed to be. It's less about forcing a standard path, and more about discovering, guiding and nurturing.

Every child comes with a built-in wiring in a mix of:

• Talents: What they do easily.
• Interests: What draws them naturally.
• Temperament: How they respond to the world.

For example, one child may be expressive, good at storytelling and dramatic. Another may be analytical, quiet, and observant. Yet, another may be hands-on, energetic, exploratory.

You see the unique differences?

Training a child "in the way he should go" means you don't raise all children the same way. You don't measure all children by the same success standard.

This is because every child is different.

Understanding this and choosing to do this matters a lot as it builds their confidence.

When a child's gift is recognized and nurtured, they feel seen, capable and develop authentic confidence.

On the other hand, when natural gifts and talents are ignored, their confidence becomes fragile. The probability of feeling "not enough" becomes very high and even when they do perform, they do not feel fulfilled and then life begins to feel forced. Dissatisfaction and frustration sets in.

Now, what Does "Bent" mean?

"Bent" refers to a child's natural inclination. Their internal leanings. Think of it like a growing plant. You don't force it into a shape that breaks or distorts it, instead you support its natural direction so it grows strong.

As seen in the above picture, supporting the plant's natural inclination might mean observing its natural inclination towards the sun and taking it out of the shade into the sun where it would flourish better.

A child's "bent" includes:

• Personality: Introverted versus extroverted.
• Learning style: Visual, verbal, hands-on.
• Emotional wiring: Sensitive, bold, cautious.

At this juncture, I believe it's necessary to state that "Bent" is not rebellion. It is not something to suppress, but rather something to understand and guide. It is something we need to train the children to recognise, embrace, and grow fully into.

Training vs. Controlling

A major mistake in parenting is misrepresenting training as controlling.

Training is guiding with awareness, while controlling means forcing conformity.

Training means seeking to understand who the child is becoming. Controlling is insisting on the child becoming what you want him to be.

Only one of these builds confidence. And that's TRAINING.

Confidence doesn't come from constant praise. It comes from the effective alignment of:

• Identity: Who I am.
• Ability: What I can do.
• Acceptance: I am valued as I am.

When you train according to gift and bent:

• The child develops self-confidence. They learn that the way they think and feel has value.
• The child becomes resilient. And because they're not trying to be someone else, they are able to push themselves. They embrace who they are and seek to make the most of time and chances.
• The child learns to own their path. Not living for approval, but from purpose.

Enough preaching, let's go practical. In what ways do we apply this? How do we achieve all we have said above?

1. Observe before you instruct.

Watch so as to know:

• What excites them.
• What frustrates them.
• What they return to naturally.

2. Ask, don't assume.

So, instead of saying: "You should like this."

Try asking: "What do you enjoy about this?"

3. Adapt your parenting style to suit each child.

For instance:

• A bold child needs guidance in restraint.
• A shy child needs encouragement and not pressure.
• A curious child needs guided exploration, not restriction.

4. Affirm effort aligned with their gift.

Do not focus only on results. Encourage every effort geared towards their gifts. For example:

• "I love how you solved that problem."
• "Well done, you explained that really clearly."

Focusing more on the journey will yield more success than demanding immediate results.

5. Create room for expression.

Confidence grows where there is permission to be.

6. Ensure that you give the necessary balance.

Recognizing "gift and bent" does NOT mean:

• No discipline
• No correction
• No boundaries

Rather it entails that you shape character without crushing identity.

So, a child can be naturally strong-willed, but taught humility. They can be naturally quiet, but taught courage and boldness. They can be naturally creative, but taught structure and discipline.

So, from the scripture in view, the expectation is to train them right, and they will never go astray — and this means to train them in alignment with who they are, and that foundation will stay with them for life.

Confidence built this way is deep, stable, rooted, and not easily shaken.