His Home or "Our Home"?

This question has been on my mind for years. Why do many married women often say things like:

“I am in my husband's house.”

“This is my matrimonial home.”

“You can't speak to me like that in my own husband's house.”

If it is your husband's house, then where is your house? Why are you living in someone else's house? Don't you have your own home? When will you move into your own house?

Now, I understand that language is often shaped by culture, tradition, family upbringing and the environment one was raised in. In many societies, particularly where the husband traditionally provides the physical structure in which the family lives, "my husband's house" can simply be a culturally familiar expression.

However, I believe there is something deeper here that Christians need to examine, because the words we repeatedly use within a context reveal the way we understand it and how we will relate to it.

I believe one of the complications we sometimes encounter in marriage is when a woman enters marriage physically, but never fully embraces the reality that she has entered a home that is also hers to build, protect, nurture and steward.

Look at what the Lord Jesus said about marriage:

“This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

— Matthew 19:5-6

He doesn't describe marriage as a man acquiring a woman to live in his existing life, but rather describes a union where two people become one.

Before marriage, there is his family and her family. There is his house and her parents' house, or her house in many cases these days. Before marriage, there is his life and her life.

However, marriage creates something new. It creates one family. It brings two people into one household, so they can embrace a shared life and home.

If God has joined two people together as one, why should a wife continue to perceive herself as a visitor in the life she has entered?

The marital home is not merely the place where a woman lives because her husband permits her to live there. It is the household she has entered by covenant. This implies that she has responsibilities within it, as well as rights.

She needs to move her mentality from the idea of "a house" she lives in with her husband to a "home" she builds with him. This is because a house is merely a structure, while a home implies stewardship.

There is a difference between occupying a house and building a home. A person can live in a beautiful building and never contribute to making it a home. As long as they don't see it as theirs, there is a limit to what they would allow themselves to do.

This is where Proverbs 14:1 becomes particularly instructive:

“A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.”

Note the reference to "Her home" and not merely her husband's house or home.

This Scripture presents the woman as someone with genuine agency and responsibility in the household. When Scripture says "she builds", it means she adds positively to her home in diverse ways. This essentially means that she nurtures, cultivates, protects and contributes.

She influences the atmosphere of her home and participates in the formation of the family. She isn't simply a guest living within a structure someone else provided.

She is a builder, not just a decorator.

Building a home is much bigger than decorating the house. A woman can decorate every room beautifully and still fail to build a home.

Home-building involves:

• Character, wisdom and sacrifice

• Communication and conflict resolution

• Hospitality and stewardship

• Parenting and emotional health

• Spiritual formation and countless ordinary acts of love

So a woman should understand that it is her home too and that whatever happens in there matters to her.

This is where I believe this issue of "my husband's house" can become problematic. It's not because the phrase itself is inherently sinful, but because of the mindset it can sometimes reveal.

When a woman doesn't see the home as hers, she may unconsciously distance herself from responsibility for it. She may think:

“That's his responsibility.”

“He is the man; let him handle everything.”

“It's his house, so why should I contribute?”

But marriage isn't a landlord and tenant arrangement. Marriage is a covenant!

The larger principle is this:

Don't approach the home asking only, “What is my husband supposed to provide for me?” Also ask, “What has God entrusted to me to build?”

Also, the children from your marriage aren't merely his children; they are yours too. This is another mindset that needs examination.

I sometimes hear women speak about their children as though they almost entirely belong to their husband. But they are your children too.

In fact, there are more instances of women naming their children than there are of men naming them in the Bible. Would a woman name a child that isn't hers?

Marriage produces a family in which both husband and wife have profound responsibilities toward the children. Scripture repeatedly presents parents, and not merely fathers, as responsible for raising children in wisdom and instruction.

A mother's influence in the formation of her children is enormous. She isn't merely helping her husband raise his children, but raising her children.

She is building the next generation of her lineage, and that should change how she sees the home. She should intentionally see her home as the environment in which her family is being formed. That should make her invested in it.

Another consequence of not seeing the home as one's own can be the ease with which someone mentally exits whenever there is conflict.

Every marriage will experience disagreements and misunderstandings. There will even likely be moments of frustration and seasons when two people who love each other struggle to understand each other. So, the answer cannot always be:

“I'm leaving.”

A covenant mindset sees things differently. It will ask, “How do we repair what is broken?”

If something in your house breaks, you don't immediately say, “Well, it's not really my house anyway.” You fix it. If it needs cleaning, you clean it. You maintain it if that's what is needed, rebuild where necessary or call for help when the problem is beyond you.

You don't abandon an entire house because one room needs repair. Marriage requires this same kind of investment.

This must however be balanced with an important biblical truth.

Commitment to marriage does not mean tolerating abuse, violence, coercion or serious danger.

Seeking safety, wise counsel, pastoral support and, where necessary, legal intervention or separation is not the same thing as casually abandoning a home.

A covenant mindset is not a command to endure destruction silently, but a call to take the covenant seriously.

Another problem women with this mindset can have is that they can be married and yet continue to feel like a stranger among their husband's family. They may constantly think:

“These are his people.”

“This is their family.”

“I'm the outsider.”

But marriage creates a new primary family unit.

Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.”

“Leaving” in this context isn't the abandonment of parents. It is a reordering of primary relational allegiance. This simply means that the husband and wife establish a new household. While the parents and extended family remain important, they, however, don't become the governing authority over the marriage.

A wife should therefore neither see herself as an outsider nor allow herself to be bullied simply because she married into a particular family. And the same principle applies to the husband. His wife's family does not become his landlords either.

If marriage brings a man and a woman together as one, it is therefore expected that they both start seeing each other's family as a part of their extended family. His parents and siblings become "my parents and siblings" as mine also become "his parents and siblings".

Dear woman, when you marry, don't enter the marriage thinking:

“I have come to live in my husband's house.”

Enter, boldly declaring:

“I have come to build a home with my husband. A place that's ours.”