Breaking Wrongly Entrenched Norms: When the Scales Tilt

One of the deepest relationship wounds I witnessed growing up; and one that still quietly bleeds in many homes today; is the expectation that women, especially wives, should carry everyone's burdens. At the same time, no one stops to ask who carries theirs.

They are expected to be the emotional shock absorbers of the family, the financial backup plan, the peacekeepers, the caregivers, the counsellors, and the silent sufferers. Everyone leans on them, yet few consider the weight pressing down on their own shoulders.

If you grew up in Africa, and Nigeria in particular, you likely understand these expectations. If you were raised in the South-South or South-East regions, there is a strong chance you watched your mother, aunties, sisters, or other women around you live under this reality. Many are still living it today.

When a child repeatedly sees women sacrificing themselves for everyone else, while their own needs remain invisible, that child often grows into an adult who unconsciously accepts that arrangement as normal. What is repeatedly practised eventually becomes culture; and what becomes culture is rarely questioned.

Culture, however, should never be beyond examination.

A healthy culture does not remain unchanged; it is periodically evaluated for its relevance, impact, and sustainability. Any culture that refuses scrutiny eventually begins to preserve problems alongside values.

One of the greatest weaknesses of many African cultural systems is that they are often inherited unquestioningly. We preserve them because they are what we have always known and grown to accept; and not necessarily because they are good.

Many of these structures were designed around power rather than partnership. They elevated the strong and burdened the weak. They granted authority to some while assigning endless responsibility to others.

Within this framework, the man became the unquestioned authority figure while the woman became the perpetual supporter. The husband was elevated; the wife was expected to endure. Over time, the well-being, peace, and even identity of many women became tied almost entirely to the decisions and dispositions of their husbands. In some communities, a woman is overtly and sometimes subtly raised to believe that her value, security, and future are dependent on a man; to such an extent that standing independently becomes nearly impossible.

The result is heartbreaking.

• A wife is expected to monitor the emotional health of her husband.
• She is expected to nurture and raise the children.
• She is expected to care for relatives and in-laws.
• She is expected to contribute financially when necessary.
• She is expected to keep the peace in the home.
• She is expected to absorb conflict, overlook offences, and continue serving regardless of her own condition.

Yet, who is assigned the responsibility of caring for her? Who checks on the one everyone depends on? Who notices when she is emotionally exhausted, mentally overwhelmed, spiritually drained, or physically worn out?

Too often, the answer is no one.

What makes this even more troubling is that the Church has not always done enough to challenge these unhealthy patterns. In many cases, cultural traditions have been mixed with biblical teachings until the two are almost indistinguishable. As a result, what should have been a message of liberation sometimes becomes a justification for oppression.

Yet the Teachings of Christ Paint an Entirely Different Picture!

When Jesus commanded us to love our neighbours as ourselves, He was not speaking primarily about distant strangers. He was speaking about the people closest to us; the people we encounter every day.

Your nearest neighbour is often your spouse.

When Scripture commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church, it sets a standard that is both radical and sacrificial.

• Christ did not dominate the Church; He gave Himself for her.
• He did not demand service; He served.
• He did not use His position for personal advantage; He used it for the benefit of those He led.

That is what biblical headship looks like! It is not domination; it is not control; it is not entitlement. It is a responsibility.

When Scripture describes the husband as the head of the family, it does not permit him to rule over his wife. It is entrusting him with the sacred responsibility of protecting, nurturing, supporting, and promoting the total well-being of his family; physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

In God's Kingdom, leadership is not measured by how many people serve you. It is measured by how many people become stronger because you served them.

Let us hear from our Lord Jesus Himself, about His views on leadership:

"In this world, the kings and great men lord it over their people, yet they are called 'friends of the people.' But among you it will be different. Those who are the greatest among you should take the lowest rank, and the leader should be like a servant."

— Luke 22:25-26 NLT

True leadership is servant leadership. The Lord Jesus; who is the greatest leader that ever lived; washed feet.

Perhaps it is time for the Church to revisit these truths and separate biblical principles from cultural traditions that have long been mistaken for them.

Perhaps it is time for husbands to stop asking, "What can my wife do for this family?" and start asking, "What am I doing to ensure my wife flourishes within this family?"

Perhaps it is time to recognise that love is not proven by how much a person can endure; but by how much care they receive from those who claim to love them.

Jesus gave us a simple but revolutionary principle:

"Do to others as you would like them to do to you."

— Luke 6:31 NLT

Imagine the transformation that would occur if every husband, every wife, every parent, every leader, and every believer truly lived by those words.

The emotional neglect that has become normal would begin to disappear. The silent suffering would lessen. Partnership would replace oppression; while honour would replace entitlement. And real, sacrificial, Christ-centred love would finally have room to flourish.

A healthy home is not built when one person carries everyone else. It is built when everyone learns to carry one another.