Breaking Wrongly Entrenched Norms: Upbringing; Boys versus Girls

The inequality between men and women does not begin at the altar. It begins long before then.

It starts in the living room, at the dining table, and in the subtle lessons children absorb long before they understand the meaning of marriage.

In many Nigerian homes, a familiar scene plays out every day. A daughter is called upon to serve her brothers. Then, she clears the plates, washes the dishes, sweeps the floors, and attends to the needs of others; while her brothers sit comfortably, often excused from the same responsibilities simply because they are male.

From childhood, girls are intentionally prepared for adulthood. They are taught respect, humility, service, diligence, domestic skills, and accountability. They are corrected when they speak too loudly, cautioned when they appear too assertive, and constantly reminded that one day they will become wives.

The message is often subtle but unmistakable; your greatest achievement is not who you become, but whose wife you become.

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with teaching girls responsibility, discipline, service, or domestic competence. These are valuable life skills that build capable and resilient individuals. The tragedy lies in teaching these virtues almost exclusively to girls while excusing boys from learning the same lessons.

• While daughters are being trained for responsibility, many sons are being trained for comfort.
• While girls are taught accountability, boys are often protected from consequences.
• While girls learn service, boys learn entitlement.

The result is a dangerous imbalance.

A boy who grows up constantly being served by his sisters without being expected to contribute can easily begin to see service as something women owe him rather than something all human beings owe one another. He may unconsciously conclude that leadership means being catered to rather than being responsible.

Then society wonders why so many men struggle with accountability. We wonder why some husbands view their wives as domestic staff rather than partners. We wonder why some men resist correction, reject responsibility, and expect respect they have not earned.

The truth is that many of these attitudes did not suddenly appear in adulthood. They were cultivated, tolerated, and normalised in childhood.

A society cannot consistently raise girls for responsibility and boys for privilege without eventually reaping the consequences. The fruits are everywhere:

• Men who feel entitled to the labour, sacrifice, and submission of women.
• Men who expect service but reject responsibility.
• Men who desire authority without accountability.
• Men who interpret leadership as domination rather than stewardship.

And sadly, the Church; which should have been a force for correction and transformation; has often reinforced these unhealthy patterns instead of confronting them.

In many Christian circles, women are repeatedly reminded to submit, while men are rarely challenged to love sacrificially. Women are taught obedience while men are seldom taught accountability. The language of authority is amplified while the language of service is minimised.

As a result, biblical teachings are sometimes filtered through cultural traditions rather than understood through the character and example of Christ.

Yet When We Look at Jesus, We See Something Radically Different.

Our Lord Jesus never taught the superiority of one sex over another. He never suggested that women existed merely to serve men. He never modelled domination as leadership.

• He washed His disciples' feet as a demonstration of what true leadership entailed.
• He served graciously.
• He sacrificed; paid the ultimate price.

Our Lord Jesus taught that greatness is found in humility and that true leadership is expressed through service. Hear Him:

"You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and officials flaunt their authority over those under them. But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must be the slave of everyone else. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many."

— Mark 10:42-45 NLT

The Christ who knelt to wash the feet of His disciples stands in sharp contrast to the version of masculinity that demands service while avoiding responsibility.

The biblical call for a wife to submit was never a license for a husband to rule like a master. It was given alongside an even heavier command; that husbands love their wives as Christ loved the Church; sacrificially, selflessly, and unto death.

• Submission without love becomes oppression.
• Authority without accountability becomes abuse.
• Leadership without service becomes tyranny.

Perhaps the question we should be asking is not whether women are submitting enough; but whether men are loving enough. Not whether girls are being raised properly; but whether boys are.

Because the same home that teaches a daughter to cook should teach a son to cook. The same home that teaches a daughter accountability should teach a son accountability; and yes, the same home that teaches a daughter service should teach a son service.

Character, responsibility, accountability and service aren't feminine. These are human virtues. They are Christian virtues.

If we desire healthier marriages, stronger families, and a more just society; then we must stop preparing girls alone for adulthood while assuming boys will somehow grow into responsible men without intentional training.

If we desire to be the salt and light Christ called us to be; then we must have the courage to separate the Word of God from the cultural biases we have wrapped around it.

A generation of girls cannot continue carrying the burden of responsibility while a generation of boys is excused from it.

The future of our homes, our churches, and our society depends on raising both daughters and sons with the same expectations of character, service, responsibility, humility, and accountability.

Only then can we claim to be building families that truly reflect the heart of God.